Doerr, I dont even know her

So my dad came home this weekend from Florida, i saw him for mabye a total of thirty minutes because he was trampsing all over town with his new girlfriend big red. that didint bother me too much because a. my dad is the most annoying human being on this planet and turns everything he comes in contact with to crap, its like the opposite of Midas. Oh and on a side note he got his teeth fixed and my dad is already a dark skined man but he's been living in Florida for the last 3 months so he is super duper tan, and he has these new teeth in and i shit you not he looks just like Tiger Woods. Anyway when i came home from work yesterday i expected a note from him telling me something before he left, but no, do you know what i find? All the mail that i put in the mailbox as outgoing, on my counter riped open and rummaged through, he just took all my mail and opened it with out even looking to see that it was not adreesed to him, nor even the house. what a fucking Idiot, i later found my netflix moves going back, their wrapers torn to shreds and the DVDs missing. I called him asking why he would do such a retarded thing and he comes back with a four year old "i dont know" answear. Upon asking him what he did witht the DVDs he promptly responded with yet another "i dont know" preturbed by these moronic resposes i quickley threw my phone giving into my frustration with my 65 year old father who is acting like a 13 year old. so how was your weekend?

So i was sitting in my relion history class today learning about the way the Hindus pray at the alter of Shiva. So on this alter is a stione contraption with two parts, the Lingham (or phallus) and the Yoni (the womb) well in a ceremony the Hindus whip up a mix of of Yogurt and Honey to make a milkey stickey substance.The professer was explaining how they pour the liquid over the Lingham into the Yoni and out this spicket where they fill cups and people drink, everyone is tring not to laugh when the professer says " then they drink the seed of the father" and the kid next to me says "ah but do they swallow?" i thought it was funny, guess you had to be there.

So i arrive at class this morning to find to doors of Goddard hall locked because there was yet another assualt. so class was cancelled. Needless to say there looking for a Black male in his late twentys early thirtys, about 6'2" muscular build. You know what..i saw that guy today.........when i opened my eyes on campus. Its the smae discription they give everytime there is an assualt.


Chuck Norris beat Bobby Fisher in a chess duel in 1972, claiming he could beat the champ in 3 moves it took him for, infuriated Chuck Norris Roundhoused Fisher, and everyones been looking for him since.


The colts should have brought out Chuck Norris for the end of the gamelast sunday, the head line "NORRIS WINS GAME BY ROUNDHOUSING A FIELD GOAL."


i get bored so i've been coming up with my own Chuck Norris Sayings.

oh i made up my own Chuck Norris saying.


on the set of Sidekicks, Jonathan Brandis asked Chuck Norris if he could show him how to roundhouse for the movie. Infuriated by the disrespect Chuck Norris said yeah, then round housed Brandis in the temple, causing serious temporal damage and manic depression, directly resulting in seaquest and his later suicide.

Back to school, back to school, to show dad im not a fool, i got my ipod on and my chucks tied tight, i hope i dont get in a fight (already saw a couple of kids i wanna hit, armyjacket with pink shirt and pop up collar)






im hungry but im sick of wendys and taco bell. I wish they had a bk lounge somewhere round here. well later gators

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, He ate an Indian.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

There's no such thing as a tornado. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Chuck Norris waited patiently in Al Capone’s vault for 63 years just so he could give Geraldo Rivera the surprise beating of his lifetime.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

i thought this was funny so i can share it with you



If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two
seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he
roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris
brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a
prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back
to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse
kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once
more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh
away.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick
related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only
another fist.

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck,
and Chuck Norris.

In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris'
Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they
gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and
roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later they
discovered is the cause of Parkinson's disease.

Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and
meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC
and Tequila.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The
only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the
beginning of the Holocaust.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that
sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down!

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures
Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive
erection. There were no survivors.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris
could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a
game of tennis.

When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's
Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point,
she was the third girl he had slept with.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put
up with lactose's shit.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up,
he's pushing the Earth down

see baby, your not the only one who quotes ICP. wow, whats new, im bored as shit, i looked in my bag today and oh, i forgot the book jef gave me, along with my wallet so i get to spend the day with no money and no means of escape. my head hurts and its only like noon. i think i have a brain tumor.

is it just me or does every middle aged man with gray hair and gray beard remind you of Kenny Rogers?

i had to give my presentation today for physics lab. hmm, do i look like a weirdo for this? So the topic had to be a hobby and had to have somthing related to an area of phyics we learned. so whilel everyone picked like cars, or football, i went with the physics of the decapitation devcise known as the Guillotine. i got some weird looks from people and the teacher told me i was rediculas, and i quote "i hope decapitation is not your hobby" but hey, while everyones was lame and no one listened, i think some people listened to mine out of pure hatred or digust. i thought i had the best one until some guy brung in all these Arabic insturment like the Arabic harp and liek a fucking sitar and jamed away like he was lawrence of fucking arabia, but what can you do, life is liek a shit, sometimes it smells, sometimes its hot, some times it hurts, sometimes you look in the toliet and you dont see it, and sometimes you wipe your ass and theres nothing on the paper, and you think to yourself didint i just drop d, or is my ass playing tricks agian, damnit ass, i dont like it when you play stupid ass games